What is (and isn't) Authentic Relating?
AR leaders and pioneers Sara Ness and Jason Digges talk about the main principles of the practice and the difference it's beginning to play in the world.
Authentic Relating is a free, open-source and largely unregulated practice. This means anyone can pick up an AR games manual and start practicing!
While that’s great and what we aim for, it’s also helpful to have a common ground of what Authentic Relating is and isn’t. Sara Ness from Authentic Revolution and I recorded a dialogue to share our understanding of the AR practice.
Here are main points from the video:
Authentic Relating games are little structured social interactions that make connection easier.
Authentic Relating isn’t therapy — even though people report experiencing therapeutic effects of being seen as who you are in AR games. :) There are schools of therapy — mainly, the humanistic ones —that look pretty similar to AR.
Most AR practices include revealing emotions and adopting the attitude of radical welcoming and acceptance — both towards yourself and others. This means we don’t try to fix or change other people. In AR, we also avoid giving advice.
If you’re playing games together, you’re on an equal footing with others. This includes the facilitators who strive to make the power dynamic explicit. They’re not “outside” of what they offer to a group, and often join in for games.
However powerful, Authentic Relating isn’t the tool for all occasions. Sometimes, you actually need to hear from a friend “You need to stop doing this right now!” (I think we’ve all been there… ;))
Humility plays a big role. The subjective reality of each person is equally valid, and different perspectives are honored and made space for. We keep in mind that no one has lived the experience of anyone alse, so you can’t ever fully know anyone else’s reality. At the same time, you’re the expert in your own experience.
Being heard and seen in the deep ways that AR provides leads to creating community. Connection and community go hand-in hand, and that’s what Authentic Relating builds on as a movement.
AR can be thought of as a “secular awareness practice.” It helps us notice more of the things that are already going on in ourselves, others, and the group. Over time, this means we expand awareness — and, as a consequence, acceptance — of many more aspects fo reality.
Why all of this matters? Because for a while now, we’ve lived in a scientific world that requires things to be measurable and quantifiable in order to matter. AR acknowledges the whole area of human experience that isn’t captured by this paradigm. It provides tools to operate in an increasingly complex, subjective, and diverse world in a way that allows us to get close to one another — while honouring all the different perspectives.
Finally, Authentic Relating values the whole person with all their parts and contradictions. It helps us create a world in which we can be the complex humans that we are! ;)